Today I met a bunch of other Peruvians and then had a panic attack because of exams.
I am going to ask if I can be exempt from exams.
I also talked with my dad about my thoughts of self harm
Lately I've been having thoughts of stapling my arms.
I haven't done it though. Especially because I know the risks of injury and infection.
I can't get it out my head though.
What would if feel like?
Obviously very painful and I don't want to be crying.
I do not want to suffer because of my stupid idea. If it was someone elses I could at least blame it them.
I'm going to start talking to a therapist again.
I'm going to hold back on these urges as much as possible.
I've never done serious self harm to myself before. Nothing that will scar. I have bitten and hit myself before though. If I do anything that might draw blood I'm afraid I might fall into a downwards spiral like everyone else.
If you also have thoughts like these, my advice is to never give into those thoughts no matter how hard it may be. Keep pushing yourself to go forward without doing harming yourself. If you already have or have gotten into the habit of harming yourself, do your best to stop. Its a lot easier said than done. But I believe in you. Even if I have no idea whos reading this. I believe anyone can heal eventually no matter how long it takes. Keep pushing yourself like everyone else to not listen to these thoughts and urges. Giving in does not make you weak.
Even if takes you a thousand years, by the end of it you can say "I did it." and be proud of yourself.
It can be hard to be proud of yourself too. Like whats their to be proud of?
Don't think of it from your perspective though. I think as someone else looking at you. With enough practice you'll be able to do that.
Something about you charms others and yourself yet no one admits. Be a little egoistical! A little is enough. Anyone could always find something about you to like.
I've been enjoying life lately. Cause of my meds. I don't love life. But I always think about the stupid shit that makes me happy like Houseki no Kuni, Dramatical Murder, Mystic Messenger, Picture Perfect Boyfriend and many others. Most people would call those interest stupid but if they are then so be it. I don't care. The universe nor world cares what I like. Thats why there are things I hate and love. They are my reason for continuing to live. So I can feel happy the next day too if possible.
♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂*♂
I'm going to use that whenever I switch to a new topic lol
I'm playing Dramatical murder again! They have a lot of characters with body mods like tattoos and piercings! Interesting!
Dad said while I was talking to him about the arm staples that I might be into piercings... I have been thinking about them too and also tattoos. I want to get tattoos of things I like. Like Koujakus tattoos!
I just looked up "body mods" and it shows some of the most extreme ones. If I was younger I would be freaked out. Back then I thought they were kinda ugly but right now I find them intriguing and sort of beautiful.
Its like turning your body into an artwork, not just a painting, its making your body YOURS.
The way the lighting is on Koujaku's old stage actor is.... terrifying.
They could have made the lighting more flattering.