This week has been shitty for me. Monday to Wednesday which is now.

I'm wondering how far it will go

I don't know if anyone will care but if you want some juicy I got it for ya.

So basically on Monday my friend being a bitch to me. I woke up that day not wanting to speak at all so I barely said a word that day. He and my other friend go hide under this table in this secret room we all hang out in. He started touching my foot and asked me if it was my foot. I jokingly stepped on his foot as my answer but it turned out it was his hand. He was really upset that I stepped on his hand which I find understandable and I told him I didn't know it was his hand that was touching me, I thought it was my foot. He was still upset which is also understandable. From what I can tell it really hurt cause he screamed. After that he was extremely bitchy towards me and everytime I say anything he would tell me to shut up or be generally mean. I got thirsty and went and ordered some food. I saw cookies and thought it was a good idea of aplogizing for stepping on his hand. I brought an extra one that everyone else can share because the cookies were mainly for him. I got back and tried to give him the cookies but he kept throwing them away and breaking them on the floor. I was trying to be patient with him but I was too annoyed by his bratty behavour that I gave the cookies that were meant for him to everyone else in the room. He was still a dick for the afternoon.

Tuesday I don't think he fully forgot about that but he didn't seem to be affected by yesterday too much. We all went to the park for lunch. There is this tire wheel swing that we always play on. Hes always the one who pushes us on the swing but he always does it very high and fast. I wanted to go on with some other guys but he said I was too fat to go in. I was not offended but I couldn't tell if he meant that as an insult or joke. I don't mind being called fat. I like my weight and myself as I am now. I admit I am not the healthiest but I want to improve that but I don't want to lose too much weight because I actually like a bit of my weight. Anyways after that I was able to go by myself he did his whole thing but pushing me very high n stuff. I felt really sick during it and was begging him to stop but he never tried to stop the swing. Our other friends slowly helped me get off the swing. Eventually this other guy from our school hops on and my friend does the exact same thing he did to me. The boy was begging him to stop the swing but he never stopped it. The dude ended hitting his leg/ankle on the top rail of the swing really hard. He screamed for him to stop and after a few moments he did and the guy who got injured couldn't stand. Thankfully after observing his injuries and questioning him he did not break his leg. My friend was like a medic the entire time. I'll give him that, hes not all bad, don't get me wrong. I don't hate him either. My friend was super aplogetic and was really guilty for getting him hurt. After we got the guy safe and cared for he kept going on and on about how its all his fault for getting him injured and this is the second time that someone has been injured under his watch. Everyone just told him that it wasn't his fault and it was an accident. Even the guy who got injured didn't blame him and said he did nothing wrong. I disagree a little because yeah, this WAS his fault that someone got injured. He didn't stop even though he was told to. But I decided to join in comforting him because he was forgiven and he did the right thing of taking responiblity.

forgot what else I was about to say so I'll just go to todays juicy drama

Today I didn't feel like talking to him but we share friends so in order to hang out with the people I like I have to deal with him also. So I mostly just ignored him while he tried to get my attention. Skip to lunch, my other friends ditch me so I have no where else to go but to hang out with him and the others. PS I don't have many friends. I have really bad anxiety and I have trouble talking and being around people. I am diagnosed with Agoraphobia. I walked into the room, one of our friends is crying, because they were talking with their friend over messages and they said something like kisses can be platonic and they are fine with their friends kissing them. The other person took it the wrong away and I don't know but they ended up crying. My friend was comforting them along with his other friend. They were both very dad-like which creeped me out but thats just me, I still think its strange though but I want to give the benefit of the doubt that its nothing weird. I honestly don't know why I explained all of this, this part isn't even complaining about him. I know he wants to be a good person but he is a very toxic one instead or at least for me. I am creeped out at how loyal everyone is to him. Its like they are under a spell but I just joined this friend group and I do not want to cause friction within it. Its not my business as a newcomer.

if the others like him and he is a positive being in their life then theres nothing I will stop. Everything is going well with them so why would I interfere when it has nothing to do with me and isn't hurting anyone in the situation?

Anyways during the lunch one of our friends playgfully threw something at me but it did not hit me. So I said jokingly "God loves me." because I am gifted with luck. All of sudden my friend comes out from under the table and tells me "Your family doesn't love you." I told him I wouldn't know about that and neither would he and he said "There, you don't know, so they don't love you." A week earlier I was talking about my family and how I didn't know if I loved them or not and how I don't know if they love me. I have almost never felt loved or loved anyone in my life. I have abusive family members too and some of them think of killing me and are very mentally ill. I have no safe place to go other than to stay where I am right now and be quiet. Its the only way of me surviving this. He told me that he felt sorry as someone who is loved by his mother. Our friend who was crying today offered for me to stay at their place but I had to refuse because if I leave it could possibly dangerous. I have no idea why he said that to me espcially after I opened up about my family. I wasn't extremely hurt but I was tearing up because of allergies and how sudden that was.

We also had the carnival today and he was thinking of going into the dunk tank and asked us if he should take his socks off. I jokingly said "take everything off, your skin, your bones, everything!" The others all laughed but he turned around and told me that he was being serious and he acted really upset. To me I think its over nothing. Whether or not you leave your socks on or off isn't a serious matter and what I said was a lighthearted joke.

I forgot to mention that he was calling us slurs during lunch. Not multiple slurs but since the group is mostly made up of lesbians he calls us all 'dykes'. He questioned if I was also a dyke/lesbian. I didn't answer that question though. He still called me dyke.

Nothing else happened today. They ditched me multiple times so I was pissed off the whole time.

It hasn't been a month yet but he has gotten on the last of my nerves. I get violent urges whenever I think of him or am around him. The same violent urges when I have nightmares of people who have abused me in the past.

Tommorrow I'm going to try my best to ignore him and hang out with the other people in the group. I am slightly afraid that I may hurt someone.

The violent urges aren't pure sadism or a revenge sort of thing even though it does have a part unlike when I think of my abusers. Its a flight or fight response in me.

Whenever I'm around him I feel like I need to fight for my life.

I used to admire him a lot. He was the first person to ever be so friendly to me. I wanted to be his best friend when I first met him. I even had dreams about him and having a long lasting friendship with him.

but this is just disappointing.

I don't have the energy to argue or the energy to take bullshit either. I am just so tired.

He may be a cis male but I have slight feeling that he may just be on his period.

Thats it about my friend though. I wrote so much that I might have to write a new entry so people won't have to read this.

welp thats the end of this blog, see you 1 seconds.